why am i crying? nearly everyday? is it the depression? is it midlife? is it etc?

is it bad to cry? does crying mean i’m sad?

why do i procrastinate excessively?

why do i terrorize myself for pursuing art?

crying: crying is simply the body’s response to releasing tension.

procrastination: the inability to move forward physically.

Over the years, i have had to surpress emotion in order to focus on the pressures: school, work, family. for the most part, this is fairly common, to “shake it off” & move forward without taking the time too truly process life events.

i procrastinate on my day job because i’ve realized it’s not going to financially sustain me anymore. i reached a cross road where i can either continue seeking out work with web development or begin shaping this next chapter of my life into my ideal.

as i write these words, to say “ideal” as if it is unattainable… is so self-depricating.

realistically, this is the trajectory i’ve built for myself. through my work experience, learning paths, accolades… shifting my career right now is logical. i have set up this path over the last 20+ years. why am i procrastinating with my art currently?

overall, i reached most of my art goals over the course of this last year. i have been learning about the online art community, putting in the research about working as an online artist. i created an art youtube channel to learn how to create/edit/publish video, researched new art tools and upgraded my kit in order to provide professional quality work. created a sketchbook to practise and find what interests me, leading to producing a body of work “final art pieces”. i have produced more art this year, than any other year (since graduating).

one of my art goals, was to participate in “inktober” for october 2021… this didn’t happen. another art goal was to have 52 videos posted (1/week)… which i now know was a little too aggressive to attain. the final quarter of every year, is always depressive… and i should have considered this, when i was outlining my goals.

why do i feel like i’m procrastinating with my art? why am i putting off taking the next logical step?

how does that saying go? the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know. am i missing something?

i’m terrified of falling flat, which objectively feels illogical considering the trajectory i built.

original youtube banner design, 2021

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