back and forth

I once owned a metronome that didn’t function properly. It would work but the rhythm was always slightly out of sync, weighing heavier on one side over the other. Looking back, I must have watched it meditatively because I can still hear the sound it made, clear as day.

My mind is a ticking clock.

Where others’ minds continually move forward, mine acts like that metronome, slightly offbeat. I’m caught in a state of purgatory, with an itch I can’t scratch, and I always have been.

I can feel my body burning because it itches so bad.

My mind is terribly uncomfortable and I can feel it pacing as if one would try to rock themselves to sleep. There are times when the sound of the “tock” becomes so loud that I begin physically pacing.

Breaking the sound barrier is an impossible feat. Sometimes I wonder if it’s self-torture manifesting from a feeling of having done something wrong and being unable to decipher the wrong-doing.

However,  I endeavour to find ways to drone out the perpetual “tock”.

Often, my effort results in an emotional tantrum leaving me so emotionally exhausted that I can barely function. It is in these moments that I have vowed to take it out in my art, despite how tired I may be.

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