Knowing and choosing the right time to walk away from toxicity is an incredible weight to bear. At times, it renders me immobile and terrified of making a choice too heavy to emotionally handle.
Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets with the path i took.
Although difficult, I truly believe I have done what is best for both my son and I. I’m aware that some of my life decisions may have been perceived as whimsical, but in truth, they were carefully calculated and still weigh heavily upon my thoughts.
As an art student, I was asked to submit a self-portrait in almost every class that was taken. On most occasions I have a difficult time looking at myself in the mirror, let alone photos. Yet to carefully study and replicate every contour was torturous the first few times I tried it. Found myself in tears quite often, but I pushed through it still.
Sometimes I feel like I spend too much time alone with my thoughts.
I have learned that carrying the proverbial “weight of the world” on my shoulders, while difficult and at times painful, gives me the opportunity to become a stronger and more patient individual.
However for years, the additional external resistance, pressure and judgement has infected how I look at my reflection. What I see staring back at me, is not me. I can only attempt to describe how confusing and uncomfortable a feeling like that is. For that reason, writing about my self-portrait piece has been the most difficult thus far.